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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  October 1, 2014 1:01am-1:32am PDT

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to announce you guys caused millions of dollars in property damage. >> bedroom tornado! bedroom tornado! bedroom tornado! >> it's a tornado in my office! >> bedroom tornado! >> whoosh! >> tornados. [laughs] >> right, so how do you feel? how do you feel? >> it doesn't affect me. this is your room. >> yeah, probably! >> text "blow hard" to donate $10 to victims of these office tornadoes. okay, i feel like ending the show right now.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome to the daily show! i'm jon stewart. i'm happy you've joined us. my guest tonight, ben affleck, will join us later. (cheering) very talented. you may not know this in the studio, apparently, ebola is in america. guess we'll get to that tomorrow. (laughter) done and done. but first, as america confronts the seemingly unstoppable dual threats of isis and surprisingly fast white house lawn-runners, we find ourselves selecting a new crop of midterm legislators. let's go to iowa! where sunday's senate debate saw democrat bruce braley and republican joni ernst present a real choice.
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>> senator ernst would have voted to shut down the federal government with ted cruz, she's called president obama a dictator and thinks impeachment should be on the table. >> okay, braley paints ernst as a reactionary. >> you threatened to sue a neighbor over chickens that came onto your property. (laughter) >> jon: >> uhh...touche? you're an ultra-partisan ideologue. oh yeah, well, you don't like having chicken (bleep) on your lawn! boom! stay down!" so ernst has the "trespassing chicken" vote sewn up. but the ultimate winner can only be decided via an old-fashioned folksy-off. >> i grew up in a working-class
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home in a small farm town. >> i grew up drinking well water on a southwest iowa farm. >> my dad ran a grain elevator. >> my father is a farmer, a very proud farmer. >> i got my first job in the third grade. >> i was the morning biscuit-maker at hardees in red oak. >> jon: all right. let me just tally this up. eight points for well water... grain elevator, very nice... ten points for child labor... carry the biscuit-making.... oh, my god, it's a tie! you have both achieved a "wilford brimley oatmeal" level of folksiness! one of you will take that down-home, just-folks, real-american-ness to washington to write the kind of common-sense, aw-shucks laws we need. or you would, if making laws was still what congress did. allow me to explain. all americans know how a bill
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become a law. >> i'♪ i'm just a bill ♪ only a bill ♪ and i'm sitting here on capitol hill ♪ in the wake of the 2008 catastrophic bank collapse that destroyed the world's economy, it was meant to reform a crippled financial system. after six months of hearing, congress produced a water down toothless piece of (bleep) that leaves our economy almost as vulnerable as pre-crisis or as congress now calls that, their finest hour. >> the current congress is bad at passing legislation. >> their record is dismal. >> on track to be the least productive in history. >> jon: in other words, congress has greatly simplified the process for passing laws, in that it doesn't. but that doesn't mean it's
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useless which bruce us to the new segment, how a bill becomes an ad. >> we have a whole agenda now called the fair shot agenda -- equal pay for women, equal work, minimum wage, helping pay for college. >> jon: democrats like chuck schumer are aware there's no possibility for any of those to be passed! why do at a continue to pursue them? >> now, we democrats would prefer these items pass and become law. but if republicans continue to oppose these issues, they'll do so at their own political risk. that's the distinction we will draw in november. >> jon: so once a year -- (mimicking) -- it is written that in our 11th month, we gather as a congregation to draw a distinction between, as my momma
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used to put it, fecklessness and obstructionism. (laughter) let me tell you something -- (cheers and applause) he would be killed at my bar mits virginia schumer just launched the fair shot agenda like a clay pigeon for republicans to shoot down, so that democrats could run midterm campaign ads like these. >> hey, mitch, why do you do refuse to give students the same loan rates as those big banks while voting 17 times against the minimum wage. >> and equal pay for equal work? (laughter) >> jon: oh...
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haters, gonna hate, hate -- well, i'm just gonna shake it off... a'yup. good work, senate democrats! you figured out how to turn perpetual gridlock into perpetual gridlock-ade. of course, republicans do the same thing in the chamber "they" control. you ever wonder why the house wasted everyone's time on 54 failed votes to repeal all or part of obamacare? here's why. >> barber has fallen in line with obama and pelosi, even voting to defend obamacare. voted to keep obamacare -- >> not once but three times! >> of course, he wants obamacare! look at his freakishly disfigured body! before obamacare, his "creepy giant head and hands syndrome" would have been exempted as a pre-existing condition. right now you're probably saying to yourself, i cannot believe how childish and cynical our
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congress has become. don't throw up yet. >> senate republicans are helping democrats move legislation on equal pay and campaign finance reform. >> jon: what! oh, my gosh, i would say hooray for that if i didn't know in my heart it's not some ruse. >> republicans acknowledge they're chewing up time on the floor. they're preventing democrats led by senate majority leader harry reid to schedule a politically volatile vote before the fall recess. >> jon: well come to your new congress, people. see what they're doing? they say, i see your attack ad bait and raise your time-killing, false cooperation. democrats and republicans are on a bad date. democrats know the republicans
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don't want to be there, and republicans know that the democrats know the republicans don't want to be there. (laughter) so in their cynicism, the democrats have asked -- wanna see the dessert menu? and out of spite, the republicans have said, bring over the whole (bleep) cart. (laughter) and the espresso machine, because i can do this all night long! you know what? we're not gonna have sex, but i'm gonna make sure you don't (bleep) anybody else. so the classic how a bill becomes a law. ♪ it's a bill ♪ making me ill ♪ now i don't be a campaign ♪ so i'm holding my dick ♪ sit here and wait ♪ while the bad (bleep) hold a
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phony debate ♪ ♪ i can't take it anymore ♪ i'm done ♪ i'll buy a gun ♪ and my brainy spill on the capitol hill ♪ >> jon: we'll be right ♪
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back. as you know, the u.n. general assembly met in new york last week, and as with every year, it was pretty much the "march of the wooden politicans" pontificating to apathetic, half-filled rooms, until -- hhhang on, what's going on there? >> indian prime minister narendra modi was given a superstar reception as he addressed a sellout crowd at new york's madison square garden. >> some 20,000 members of the indian-american community turned out. >> jon: 20,000 people? no world leader has drawn that many americans for anything! so a triumphant moment for the newly elected indian prime minister modi. are you enjoying that? (laughter) it is good!
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listen, modi, you're playing a standing room gig at m.s.g., you don't 'know' pressure. so i hope "team modi" can put on a show. >> ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, your emcee for today, miss america 2014! (music, "usa" chant) (cheers and applause) >> jon: so, wait -- how did you do that? everyone wanted a piece of the new star, hillary clinton, bill de blasio, chris christie, i.b.m., goldman sachs, even the wig dog himself whom i can only assume turned to modi and said,
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must be nice to have that new leader smell! tell you what, modi, don't give your people health insurance because they just (bleep) you in the end! (cheers and applause) the democrats didn't take to modi nearly like the republicans who were won over by his message. >> prime minister modi far exceeded my expectations. >> it was a powerful speech. it electrified the audience. >> this new prime minister mr. modi is what i think will become the next ronald reagan for the world. >> jon: the next ronald reagan -- blessed by thy name -- (laughter) that is a sacred honor usually only reserved for airports and post offices. i wonder if modi can live up to the name. >> some suggest that the adoring crowds in madison square garden
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were representative of india's wealthy and not india's poor majority, who they say were being harmed by deregulation and privatization. they also say that his economic credentials and policies are only helping the 1%, the rich. >> jon: that is the new rage! (applause) but, of course, reagan was a great communicator, something modi will have to live up to. on saturday, modi spoke at central park. he has a chance to prove his reaganisms as a man who can speak to all people. share your words in ways we americans can understand. >> (indiscernible) (cheers and applause) >> jon: wait a minute! do other countries think we actually believe in "star wars"? i now honor the words of your
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prophet, do or do not, there is no try! we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: my guest tonight, an actor whose latest film is called "gone girl." >> your wife has no friends here. is she stand offish, ivy league? >> she's from new york. it's complicated.
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very high standards. >> well, that can make you crazy if you're not like that. you seem pretty laid back, type b. speaking of which, amy's blood type. >> i don't know, i'll have to look it up at the house. >> you don't know if she has friends, don't know what she does all day and you don't know her blood type. >> are you sure y'all are married? >> jon: well come back to the program, ben affleck! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> jon: i'll tell you what made me laugh. so you're beefing up for the batman role, but when you came up on to the stairs and we had a little bro hug, very little, i
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really felt like your son after a little league game, all right? (laughter) infield single is as good as anything else and a walk is good as a hit, jon, you did great. walk is good as a hit! i just want to go back. something is on my mind. >> >> jon: you directed a movie, called rose water, right? >> i might have. >> coming out in november. >> this movie is about iran. there's some iran in that movie, right. (laughter)
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>> think of it there's eleven babyish words in copy cat. >> jon: what was the name? >> originally argo's rose water. >> jon: i thought you directed fargo. i'm terribly sorry. now i feel badly. turns out, they incarcerated more than one person. let's talk about you and the work you're going. the tremendous work you're doing. this "gone girl," first of all, you're in two of the most highly anticipated movie, "gone girl" and "batman versus superman." here's the thing, if i can -- in "gone girl," he kills his wife. in batman and superman, superman kills batman --
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>> what the (bleep)! >> jon: i'm just telling them... (laughter) you did not say don't tell everybody on the show! the movie will be out in march of 2016! i thought that's why you didn't want me to wait! >> it's actually cool. >> jon: al all right. so david fincher's "gone girl," we'll talk about this later, he's phenomenal. >> no, he's great. he's great. (laughter) so this film, what they wanted, i don't want the say ghost director, but, you know -- >> jon: oh, did he come to you for a lot of advice? >> a lot of help. he's a guy that's new, looking for help and said, hey, you
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wouldn't mind making the decisions? you're a good kid you're starting out so in terms of casting maybe the entire movie, that's mostly you. it's amazing. >> virtually every shot in the movie, i am entirely responsible for. >> because it's getting tremendous reviews. >> i know, isn't that fun! >> jon: yes! >> i wasn't going to come out in front of the movie. david is an amazing -- >> jon: yeah. >> it was as much about getting to act for him which is great because he really protects you and he's very smart and makes a smart movie and it's also like stealing stuff as a director. these are the kind of movies. >> jon: the fandom, you're in the swamps where people have very high expectations. >> oh, yes. >> jon: but the "gone girl" delivers. >> it's from a great book.
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it's about not only their expectations but marriage and relationships and it's dark and a lot of hot button stuff, and people have expectations on you definitely have to tread lightly but at the end of the day -- >> jon: it's excellent. it's in theaters friday. but batman and superman. i say this, holy (bleep) -- >> don't say anything else. >> jon: all right. but just, to me -- >> yep. >> jon: -- the transition from adam west to people that are in shape, like yourself -- (laughter) it really makes me wonder if the next it regulation of batman will just lose the entire utility vote. (laughter) makes me wonder, what do you need the grappling hook and smoke bomb if you can kick people's asses just normally. >> that rules me out, but, yes, i know what you mean. you have to, like you -- >> jon: stop. i think you made a mistake going
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up against superman. no matter how good you do, he can fly. >> yeah. you're in the middle of the fight with superman and you're like -- you know -- (laughter) and then superman is just like, mmmmm (bleep) his lasers at you (bleep). and then he just flies, like -- (laughter) you know, you're done! (laughter) that is the smoke pellet and now you've given it away alongside the ending of the movie and my other movie. that's about it. >> jon: i'm a terrible interviewer. "gone girl," great, he's great in it. in theaters friday. ben affleck, everybody! ben affleck, everybody! (chee[ male announcer ] automotive innovation starts...
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>> jon: that's our show! here it is... your moment of zen. >> don't retreat. you reload with truth, which i know is an endangered species at $1,400 pennsylvania $captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪


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